Waking up with a dull ache inside and wondering where God is in the midst of deep pain; I forced myself out of bed. After spending the last three days in the hospital waiting, the machine was stopped.

My friend Valente Luna and I just talked about cutting mountain bike trails in the area behind our neighborhood. We dreamed what it would be like to raise our daughters right next door to each other. Last Sunday we brought dinner to his home and sat on his couch. We touched the question mark scar in the back of his head from brain surgery. Now the biggest question looms, “Why?“

A seizure caused damage to his brain and there is no longer blood flow. His family, friends, and I now grieve. Even as a minister, I find myself at loss for words so most of the time I remain silent. I watch. I listen. I ask. I reflect. I wish differently. I quesion. I hurt. But mostly, I waited. I’m not sure what we were waiting on, but somehow the presence of each other helped. My emotions communicate tell me that I don’t want to spend time with God, but my will says it is necessary. I find comfort, peace, and hope through His word. I reread Psalm 91, 94, 23 and James 1 over and over. I hurt deeply for Debra and Isa his first grade daughter. I pray for them with deep compassion. They have asked me to do the funeral and I never dreamed that we would preach a funeral before our first public service.